Casting a Different Shadow

One of the things that helped me after Jordan died was the group, GriefShare, a grief recovery support group. The people attending the group, fellow sufferers, are so compassionate and the video messages deal with the real issues faced when losing a loved one. I have been attending long enough that we are repeating the video series, but each time I revisit a lesson I learn more.

The third lesson in the series focuses on the need to establish a new identity. Six months after Jordan died I wrote in the GriefShare workbook, “ My identity does not need to be new. I am happy to always be Jordan’s mom. We will not evolve on Earth in that role anymore, but I will always be his mother and he will always be my precious child.”

Almost twenty months after Jordan’s passing, I am again reviewing the lesson. And I understand a little more- I get it. It goes without saying that Jordan will always be my precious and cherished son, but I AM different. Profound grief changes you. As my good friend told me, “ You are still you, but you cast a different shadow.” I used to be funny-even clever, spontaneous and adventuresome. Now I am more serious, more reserved and a little fearful. There is a pervasive sadness that has taken up residence in my heart and my wounded soul feels the world’s pain.

I guess it’s not a matter of establishing a new identity, but accepting that I have one.

Jordan, I miss you beyond measure.

- Mom