A Birthday Burden

Tomorrow my beautiful daughter will turn 25 years old. I am so proud of the self-confident woman she has become. Madison is getting more and more independent... as it should be. As this special day approaches, I recall other birthday celebrations – special presents, family gathered together and a freshly baked loaf of bread with a candle because she didn’t like sweets! I was grateful when she reached the ice cream cake stage with lots of gooey chocolate... I liked that! I didn’t know it at the time, but life was simpler then.

This upcoming birthday is causing some sadness for me that I don’t fully understand. Madison made the comment last week that she was also struggling with her emotions as she approached this milestone birthday. She doesn’t often share those feelings with me anymore... I think she is trying to protect me. She doesn’t want to add to my burden, but it is in the sharing of our wounded spirits that help us navigate this difficult grief journey. She and I discussed that she will be older than her brother was when he died in February of 2016. Jordan was 24 years old, three months shy of his 25th birthday. This breaks her heart and takes away some of the excitement of her special day. I wish she could have a small reprieve… she is still too young to have to bear such a deep burden. I feel helpless. As a mother, I cannot fix her hurt.

My daughter and I have weathered so much together, and we have suffered unfathomable heartache. I am so very grateful that she has been by my side. I am blessed... she is an inspiration. She shoulders her great grief with a dignity far beyond her years.

Madison, grief is a permanent part of our lives and special days will always be colored with sadness as we acknowledge the loss of one we loved so completely. Jordan will not be here in the physical realm, but I know his spirit lives on in you… the love you shared is forever. If he were here, he would tell you to give yourself the grace and love you so liberally give to others. He would be first in line to wish you a happy day! Be kind to yourself, Madison! Keep your humility; it sets you apart in a world of “me-firsts.” Happy birthday, sweetheart! You are loved!