Difficult Conversations

I frequently find myself telling people that my son passed away in February of 2016. I am not sure why I do this... I am not looking for attention or sympathy and I don't want to discuss his death, but I do want people to know that he existed. He will always be my son and one of the keepers of my heart, and his premature and unexpected death continues to define me as a person.

These exchanges are seldom awkward... at least I hope not. It is never my intent to make someone feel uncomfortable. I want them to know that these difficult conversations are okay and, in many ways, helpful. I can give voice to my deepest hurt while also acknowledging one of my greatest joys. It is so hard to reconcile the wonder of motherhood with the devastation of burying a child. Being able to express both my unending love for Jordan and my profound grief at his loss helps me to balance these conflicting emotions. Death and sorrow should not be topics to avoid, as grief will visit us all at some point. Grief and love mirror each other – grief cannot exist without there having first been love.

So many of these conversations come about on their own in a natural progression. Just last week, at a volunteer function, I met a man who is planning to move out of state to be near his grown daughter. He confessed that he has been absent for much of her life, and he is excited to start rebuilding that special relationship. I told him about Jordan and I shared some of the valuable life lessons I gleaned from my son. I encouraged him to learn and grow from the relationship with his daughter and to give that relationship the priority it deserves. I was so inspired by his commitment to do the right thing by his child. We agreed that being a parent is the most rewarding experience a person could have. We parted with a hug and I know he will carry a piece of Jordan with him on his journey. For that I am grateful. I wish him well and pray that the relationship between him and his daughter will grow and prosper for many, many years.

I miss my son so much. I will continue to speak his name and tell others of my devastating loss. Who knows where these encounters may lead, but at the very least someone new will know that Jordan lived and that his much too brief life had tremendous value. That is enough for me.