Christmas Tacos

The holiday season without Jordan is much harder this year than last. I had been warned that the second year is often worse…and it has been. The shock has worn off and I am stuck with the finality of it… Jordan is gone, and with him so much of my history and identity. Most of my happy Christmas memories involve him. We had traditions, familiar routines that continued year after year, no matter where we spent the day.

I have always known that time would change things. My children would marry and have kids of their own and would need to establish their own holiday traditions. I was good with that—it is a natural progression. But I had always anticipated being a part of that transition, watching these new traditions unfold and creating new memories with my expanding family. Nothing could have ever prepared me for the unnatural and abrupt end of all my cherished holiday customs.

My mother called me last night to discuss upcoming plans for Christmas. I was feeling down, and as we talked, I had a meltdown. She quietly listened as I cried like a wounded animal. After I had composed myself, we were able to share some of our favorite memories. My mom said we need to concentrate on the memories because that it what Jordan left us… wonderful memories. There are so many Christmas memories that stand out.

One Christmas Eve when Jordan was 4 years old, he announced that he did not want to leave cookies and milk for Santa. Jordan, who did not share his mother’s sweet tooth, wanted to leave Santa something “good” to eat and cookies did not fall into that category! He presented his cause in such an earnest manner that I was soon in the kitchen cooking up a snack for the jolly old guy. Santa would later find a plate of tacos and a coke along with a very sweet picture from a kind young boy! Over the years of his Santa belief, we left tacos, pizza and macaroni and cheese with hotdogs… it was dictated by Jordan’s favorite food at the time. Nikki, our black Labrador retriever, was undoubtedly disappointed when Jordan and Madison stopped believing in Santa. She was always faithful to share the midnight meal as we put out Santa’s gifts!

Christmas 2015 was the last one I shared with Jordan. I was amazed at his thoughtful gifts and knew that he must have spent many hours browsing the antique mall—he knew me so well!

Jordan had a tradition of giving all his loved ones a hand written note on Christmas. These letters meant more to me than any gift and I have them all bundled together—they are indeed my treasures. In his last Christmas letter to me he wrote in part, “…and know that no matter where I end up, I will always be with you “in your corner.”

Jordan, I know you are with me… you are in my corner cheering me on and wanting me to be happy again. Although it seems impossible at times, we will survive the holidays. We will go on and build new traditions with new routines, but your memory will always play a big part in any celebration. Your memory is in my heart and will remain there forever… cherished and loved beyond measure. There are some who have such a great light that even after they are gone, the light remains.