Purposeful Searching

I watched a video last week on learning and growing from life’s struggles. I need to state unequivocally that the death of your child is not a struggle; it is a devastation— a loss so profound that after almost two years I still can’t find the words to adequately describe the soul-shattering grief. The pain that is so all-encompassing that it still can take my breath away and drop me to my knees.

There have been many times during this grief journey that I didn’t think I would survive, much less learn and grow. However, the video message was thoughtful and gave me reason to pause and reflect. The narrator stated that there is learning and growing, even gifts, to be found in suffering, but you must look for them. He called it purposeful searching—if you don’t look, you won’t find.

I believe if I search I can find growth in my sorrow. One thing I know for certain is that my son’s earthly journey is done. I can’t change that with tears, bargaining, begging or wishing. What has happened will always have an immeasurable influence on my life. But there is a huge difference between influence and control and that choice is mine.

When I let Jordan’s death “control” my life, I view the world through a lens of fear. I struggle with “what ifs” and “if onlys.” My future looks bleak and lacks color.

When I am “influenced” by Jordan’s death, I feel a deep desire to reach out to those who are suffering. I want to take hold of those qualities that were so admired in Jordan and spread them as far and as wide as I can. I want to see my son shine on in a world that desperately needs his type of kindness and compassion. I want to help the less fortunate and comfort the hurting. I want to be a better person!

So perhaps there is growing and learning in suffering. I believe my compassion has increased… I am more tolerant, slower to anger, quicker to understand and forgive. I don’t worry about the small stuff.

Is a heart now enlarged with compassion and capable of feeling the world’s pain a gift? I think so. From the moment Jordan entered this world on May 26, 1991 at 8:10 AM, he has been growing my heart and teaching me valuable lessons. Jordan, you are my heart and I miss you with every beat!