You Are My Superhero

When I began my grief journey, it was uncharted territory for me. I had experienced loss in my life, but nothing had come close to preparing me for the death of my child. Since Jordan’s death, I have read extensively on the subject of grief. I have taken classes and talked to doctors, therapists and fellow sufferers. What I have learned is that grief is unique – but in the uniqueness there are similarities.

One of the most popular grief models was introduced by Swiss psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in 1969. Her grief model has five stages: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. I actually remember studying her model in a college psychology class many years ago when I didn’t have a clue what true grief was. There are other grief models with additional stages, but it is widely believed that these five stages of grief are the most common.

For me there has been no specific order to these stages... they are not linear. I find myself revisiting stages and, until recently, thinking that I had skipped the anger stage altogether. Don’t get me wrong… I have had some strong feelings associated with my journey, but I wouldn’t label any of them anger. I never railed at God or turned from my faith. When a person I expected to comfort me in the months following Jordan’s death walked away, I felt betrayed, but not angry. When people said insensitive things, I felt distraught, but not angry. I lashed out at both my husband and my daughter on at least one occasion each that I can recall. It was sheer frustration – I felt overwhelmed and frightened, but not angry. (I’m sorry Lee and Madison if I hurt you – I was never mad at either one of you and I am so grateful for your support and care).

As I honestly reflect on the anger stage, I realize that I have spent time there, a lot of time... a frequent visitor, especially late at night when I am unable to sleep. My anger is always directed inward. I agonizingly recall every harsh word I ever spoke to Jordan. I recall the times I yelled at him when he wasn’t to blame, the things I said or did that hurt his feelings. I recall the parenting mistakes I made... the unintentional ones and the ones that I should have known better. I especially recall all the missed opportunities to tell and show him how important he was to me... how very much he was loved and admired. Jordan was always my personal superhero and I never told him.

I know without a single doubt that if Jordan was standing here right now and I could tell him how sorry I am, he would wrap his arms around me and give me a bear hug. He would say it was okay because he knows I love him. He would wisely tell me that we unfortunately hurt those we love at times. I can hear him say, “Don’t beat yourself up, Mom.”

I will be on this grief journey for a long, long time... probably the rest of my life. I will not conquer grief by completing five stages. In the meantime, I need to work on being kinder to myself. I need to let go of the anger and regret... I can’t undo the things I have done. Jordan, you are my superhero. I loved you first... I’ll love you forever!