Choosing To Honor My Son

My son, Jordan, died on February 29, 2016 – leap year... a date that only comes every four years. There will not be a February 29th again this year, but I don’t need an actual date to recognize a catastrophic event imprinted on my very soul.

Has it really been only two years? Two years is but a blink of an eye, yet it seems as though grief and I have been married a long, long time. I can no longer remember or feel what it felt like to be without this heavy burden. You grieve much the loss of what you love much. Grief and I continue the dance of learning to coexist, but there are times we are out of step, and on this tragic anniversary, grief takes center stage.

Just as winter arrives every year without any effort on my part, I have visitors arrive without conscious thought on dates my soul knows so well. I am again troubled with a racing heart, panicked thoughts, disturbed sleep and eating habits and an intense heart-wrenching pain that makes it difficult to breathe. These emotional and physical symptoms of grief seem fresh and raw. I know these visitors will show up from time to time, but I will not allow them to take up permanent residence. I have labored far too hard in my grief work to succumb to bitterness, self-pity and despair – I think my son deserves so much more than that.

I have no doubt if our roles were reversed, Jordan would go on and do something wonderful with his life in loving tribute to me. I wish I could save the world to honor my son’s memory, but I am content to make a difference in small ways. I can sponsor a child living in poverty. I can adopt a shelter animal in need of a home and love. I can feed the hungry. I can reach out with compassion to those on their own grief journey. I can love the unlovable and spread kindness wherever I go. I can turn on a small light in a dark world. Because I believe when Jordan and I are reunited, as I know we will be, he will wrap me in a big bear hug and say, “I am proud of you, Mom.”

I love and miss you, Jordan. You are my heart!