My Heart Knows

My heart knew before the words were even spoken. To avoid the terrifying anguish I knew was coming, I hung up the phone. My husband was the one to return the unexpected and unwanted phone call, gathering basic information that would start our family on this painful, lifelong journey. I dropped to my knees and cried out to God. I begged Him to let it be something else, my mind rationalizing and justifying several other scenarios. But then my husband confirmed the crushing news that my heart and soul already knew to be true. I collapsed, asking God to help me bear such a devastating burden.

Jordan’s death was unexpected – there was no warning, no sign, no preview to help prepare us for a tragedy of that magnitude. My mind, heart, and soul were none the wiser. But on that cold morning, my heart felt my son’s absence before my mind could grasp the finality of it. While my mind tried to shut down, tried to protect me from acknowledging my loss, my heart knew the undeniable truth.

At a grief support meeting last week, the moderator said it usually takes six to nine months for the heart to accept what the mind already knows. This was surprising to me, as my grief journey had demonstrated the exact opposite. It was my mind that played tricks on me… not my heart. For the first year I would repeatedly wake in the middle of the night and believe that Jordan’s death had only been a dream. I would have to relive the tragedy over and over because my mind didn’t want to accept what it could not change. It is my mind that can raise doubts, justify behavior that is not my best or hold on tight to resentment or fear.

We are often told to think with our head and not with our heart. But I think any decision needs to include input from both. I have always “thought” with my heart… I know when I search my heart, I will inevitably find the right answer, even when that answer is not the easy choice. When confronted with a difficult decision, my heart instinctively knows the best path to take... I just need to be willing to listen.

Two years ago, my heart cried out to God to help me bear this crushing burden. He has been faithful. He has held me up, comforted me and given me signs of hope when I needed them most. He speaks to my heart. It is my heart that connects me with the Creator and those I love. It is my heart that tells me that Jordan and I will be reunited someday, and I trust my heart.