I'm Still Learning

I just came out of another deep valley in my ongoing grief journey. March is a difficult month – one that contains devastating memories with life-changing heartache. For some reason, this valley was deeper and wider than previous ones. It was different from my past grief valleys, and I was unsure I would make it out of that soul-crushing darkness. But I survived.

I am beginning to come to terms with this "new" me; the me that is still standing after my son Jordan's death. I know I will experience deep valleys and renewed anguish at times, and some of the chasms will be fresh and raw, no matter how much time has passed. I am learning to roll with these periods of unrelenting sorrow, whether they are predicted or not. I am trying hard to embrace the many lessons sorrow brings... I mostly come out wiser for the pain.

I have learned I can't always control what happens to me and those I love. Bad things happen in a fallen world and I am not exempt. I can't control or stop tragedy, but I can guard what I allow to saturate my heart.

I have learned that there are friends and family members who are unable or unwilling to accompany me on this grief journey and that is okay.

I have learned that, although the world is not a safe place, holding on to my fear is self-destructive. It hurts me and it hurts those I love.

I have learned that dwelling on the loss prevents me from cherishing the gift.

I have learned that viewing my memories through a lens of sorrow diminishes their incredible value.

I have learned that when I am adrift in a dark and raging sea, I do not have to drop anchor.

I have learned that I will have ups and downs. I will brave deep valleys and raging seas because I still have something to offer the world in honor of my precious son.

I have learned that the death of a child is the worst pain imaginable, but the love I have for Jordan is much, much greater.

Most importantly, I have learned that I am still learning.

I miss you so much, Jordan!