Hole In My Heart

My older sister died unexpectedly last Friday, March 23, 2018. What a shock – these sudden and unanticipated deaths turn our world upside down, and yet the world continues on without so much as a glitch. The sun continues to rise and set, and time moves forward, as if completely unaware of the unwelcome devastation that has struck a family. It doesn’t seem right.

My sister was a bereaved mother – she buried her 10-year-old daughter in 1990. She lived with that incredible loss for 28 years before her own heart gave out. I hurt for her terribly all those years ago, but I had no understanding of the soul crushing pain she experienced. I loved my niece and cared for her deeply. But with no children yet of my own, I had no comprehension of the love and bond of a mother. I didn’t understand her intense heartache until I lost my own precious child in 2016. It is catastrophic… it is hell.

I took my mother for a private viewing of the body yesterday. It broke my heart to see that little 83-year-old lady struggle to say goodbye to her child. My mother looked at me, pointed to her heart and said, “It feels like there is a hole here.” I couldn’t say anything. I nodded in understanding as tears ran down my cheeks. Yes, Mom... there is a hole in your heart that nothing can fill, and your world will never be the same. I am so sorry. You learn to carry the most meaningful parts of your old life with you as you begin a completely new journey. You will always keep those precious memories tucked safely in your heart.

One family... three women – all bereaved mothers. Together our tragedy, sorrow and heartache is immeasurable – it is much too heavy. My sister and I, once extremely close, grew apart and quit talking after my son’s death. I don’t know what happened or why. I could guess, but it is not only my story to tell. I believe there was just too much pain and we were both struggling with overwhelming emotions. After enough time had passed, I don’t think either of us knew how to pick up the pieces. I will live with that additional sorrow, but it doesn’t change the fact that we have a history together and we shared secrets, dreams, fears and hopes. We are sisters.

I know you are at peace, Linda and the hole in your heart has finally healed. I hope you know I have always and will forever love you.