If I Had Known

It goes without saying that I would give anything to have more time with my son, Jordan.

There is still so much I want to tell him, so many things we still need to share. We wanted to visit Israel together... a trip high on both our bucket lists. We spent a lot of time fantasizing about our dream trip and all the historical sites we wanted to see.

We still need to visit New Orleans and listen to street musicians, watch marching bands and eat roast beef po boys. We need to roam the streets of the French Quarter and visit Cafe Du Monde late at night for chicory coffee and beignets.

We need to visit Fairhope, Alabama and sit on the pier. There are Civil War battlefields to walk, inclines to climb, rivers to raft, restaurants and museums to visit. There are movies to see and jokes to tell. There are still conversations to share and dreams to realize. I need to say, “I love you,” and hear you say you love me, too. Oh Jordan, I miss you so very much.

At this time 27 years ago, I was pregnant with my firstborn and the anticipation was building. The nursery was ready – I had plenty of diapers and sleepers and receiving blankets. I was just waiting the baby’s arrival. My life seemed complete and my future so very bright.

If I had known that God would bless me with such an amazing baby boy who would capture my heart completely... that the easy-going baby would grow into a gentle and caring toddler, a loving boy and a kind and compassionate young man...

If I had known that Jordan’s shining and bright life would burn so briefly and that I would have to let him go after only 24 years without a goodbye...

If I had known my world would be shattered, and I would live the rest of my life with a heart heavy with grief...

If I had known... I wouldn’t change a thing. Jordan’s death on February 29, 2016 has left me with such profound sorrow that it seems more than I can bear at times. But even when grief grips my heart in a stranglehold, I know without a shadow of a doubt, that I would do it all over again. The 24 years we shared is worth the pain I will bear until we meet again.

I love you, Jordan!