Holding On and Letting Go

I cried at a GriefShare meeting a couple of weeks ago. Not the silent tears running down the face kind of crying, but a loud heart-wrenching sobbing that would not be denied. I haven’t cried like that at a meeting for at least a year. Yes, my eyes have filled with tears that have spilled over and I have had to whisper past the lump of raw grief caught in my throat, but I have learned to save the deep mourning for times of solitude.

My opened and bleeding wound was in response to a comment about holding on to a loved one’s belongings. The message was that holding on to effects longer than 1-2 years was an indication of being stuck in grief. Who gets to decide that? And why is there a time limit?

I have a beautiful antique curio cabinet given to me by my mother that houses keepsakes of my son, Jordan. On the bottom shelf is the urn that holds his ashes. The other shelves are full of precious mementos... his Ray Ban sunglasses, his Colorado University ID, his coffee mug, his guitar picks and his wallet that contains $90.00 in crisp bills. There are so many treasures on these shelves, most of which have no monetary value, but are priceless to me.

I have learned that this grief journey is a process of holding on and letting go. But I don’t believe there should be a time frame attached to it. There was a time I thought I would never be able to let go of any of Jordan’s belongings... yet just ten months after Jordan passed away, on a cold and snowy day, we donated Jordan’s winter coats to the homeless. I have a picture tucked away in my heart of a homeless man walking away in Jordan’s black pea coat. My eyes were full of tears, but I was comforted in knowing that Jordan’s coat would provide warmth for someone in need.

Eleven months after Jordan’s death, I mailed off patterns our family had cut from Jordan’s jeans. Those patterns were sewn into shoes for children in Uganda. It still brings me comfort to know that his jeans were used to provide shoes for African children... shoes that help prevent crippling foot-related diseases.

Jordan had a sense of style like no other! I have kept his suits hanging in my closet... I didn’t think I could let them go, but I recently learned of an organization that gives away suits and dress clothes to the needy to be used for job interviews. I could almost hear Jordan urging me to donate his suits to this worthy cause... and I will.

I have learned that I don’t have to hang on to all of Jordan’s belongings, but on the flip side, I don’t have to let go of everything either. It is what works for me and there is no time frame to be followed. I imagine the curio cabinet full of “treasures” will be a permanent fixture in my house, but I know that one day it will hold an empty wallet. I believe God will provide a specific need for that $90.00 and when he does, my heart will know it. In the meantime, I continue to grow through my grief. I take steps forward and I backslide, I cry in longing and smile in remembrance. I absorb some grief lessons quickly and other lessons come slowly and with great effort. I have good days and I have days in hell. I am holding on and letting go, but I am not stuck... only moving at my own pace.