Fighting Fear

The world can be a scary place for me. I have always been a little frightened of things that could happen, sometimes imaging the worst. I am a worrier…I think it is in my DNA. Maybe I was in training for that early morning phone call in 2016 that forever changed my life. My son, the heart of my heart, was gone without goodbye. The unexpected death of a child shatters everything you hold to be true. Bad things happen to good people who don’t deserve it…kindhearted and sensitive Jordan is gone.

I no longer have bouts of worry – now I have episodes of what I can only describe as terror. A late-night phone call, even a misdial not meant for me, can leave me panicked for days. I am keenly aware that you can lose those you love. My husband or daughter held up at work or school leaves me distraught. My heart races and I can hardly catch my breath. Most times I act in control when we finally connect and I realize they are indeed safe…it’s a mask I wear to protect them from my private hell. Other times the terror has gone too far…too long and I breakdown in huge sobs, crying out my fear, in desperate need of comforting. Often the recipient of my breakdown doesn’t know what to do and doesn’t understand the irrational fear. We are often left worse for the wear.

I know this is not healthy and I wish I could stop the terror before it begins. It has, and is, taking a toll on my health and I know it is difficult for my loved ones…it puts an undeserved strain on them. My daughter is an adult and needs to be able to live her life unburdened by my fears. My husband, who already shoulders heavy responsibility, shouldn’t have to add my unnecessary worries to his load.

I have talked with several bereaved parents who experienced this aspect of the grief process…maybe it is irrational, but it is not uncommon. When you lose someone you love so completely, you have a deeper understanding that life is temporary, and tragedies can happen without warning. Out of order deaths seem to magnify the fear. I am advised that this heightened level of fear will eventually diminish until it is manageable….I hope so.

In the meantime, I vow to try and enjoy my loved ones as much as I can while I can. I don’t want my fears to take away from the time we have together. I don’t want to be so afraid. I don’t want to wear a mask and feel alone and isolated. Above all, I don’t want to place additional burdens on my family and friends. I want to heal and find peace. For those I love, please forgive my fears that are so hard to understand and please be patient with me…I want to do better, and I am willing to try.

I love you.