Blending Time

I went to lunch with some beautiful ladies yesterday... it was great to reconnect with two of them, both of whom hold such prominent places in my past. The occasion was a birthday celebration for a wonderful woman whom I admired so greatly during my high school years. I always thought of her as a wonderful role model. She was a single mother who worked very hard to provide a home for her children, and yet she was always enthusiastically involved in their lives.

This woman, whom I have known for 45 years, is also a bereaved mother. She lost her cherished son less than a month after my son, Jordan, passed away in February of 2016. She understands the deep sorrow that is part of me… it is also a part of her.

Our great losses were part of the conversation at the lunch table, but it wasn’t uncomfortable or out of place. It was a much-needed sharing that allowed us to acknowledge our deep soul wounds. The other attendees were so gracious, and we were able to share some thoughts and feelings. I found a great deal of comfort in the sharing… I needed that. God seems to provide solace when I need it most.

One of the women remarked that she had once heard that losing a parent meant losing your past, but losing a child meant losing your future. I can see that... I am constantly acknowledging new losses associated with Jordan’s death. I will never be the mother of the groom or hold his children like I held him. These ancillary losses are so painful and there doesn’t seem to be an end to them.

I didn’t think I would survive Jordan’s death and now 28 months have passed. I realize now that I do have a future… it may not be the one I would have chosen, and there will always be something missing, but it would be unfair to my loved ones and a huge injustice to Jordan for me to live in the past. Jordan will always be an indispensable part of who I am, and I will carry him with me always. The goal is to blend my past with my future... it is a work in progress, and I am doing the best I can.